The Onion Election Coverage 2008: Top 10

McCain Courts Youth Vote With Lengthy Speech On Forbearance, Morality

10. Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think

Bush then closed his speech by exhaling sharply, tightly closing his eyes, and massaging his temples. ‘I just—Christ, I just need a goddamn minute, you know?’ he said.

9. John Kerry Actually Pretty Good At Windsurfing Now

It is not known whether Kerry intends to use his new skills in a future presidential run. When reporters reached him for comment, he was being swept into the Atlantic Ocean by a 35 mph gust of wind.

8. McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don’t Lead To Creepy Smile

Chappel has avoided personal anecdotes for the new speech, omitted any mention of ‘God’ or ‘this great nation,’ and cut several phrases that had the potential to draw the 72-year-old candidate’s mouth open in a horrifying display of teeth and gums.

7. Obama Deletes Another Unread E-mail

‘I usually get excited when I see that I have one unread message,’ Obama said. ‘I think that maybe it’s something interesting or important, but then I see it’s another MoveOn e-mail and my heart just sinks. It’s like getting nothing.’

6. Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box

‘My, my, would you just look at this—all dressed up and no place to go,’ said Clinton, removing a ruby brooch from a small box… Clinton reportedly stood before his bedroom mirror, held the bodice to his torso, straightened his posture before extending a gloved hand outward and, in honeyed, lilting tones, repeated the line, ‘Oh, this old thing? Prime Minister Fukuda, you do go on.’

5. Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain (Video)

Judd Cressbeckler: ‘Washington’s drowning in snake oil salesmen, and I’m gonna run ’em out, dagnabbit!

4. Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future

‘And that is why we must all strive to make our own tomorrow together,’ Obama said to resounding applause before stopping abruptly, breaking into a cold sweat, and bringing his trembling hands to his blanched face. ‘Oh, God, no. They’re sentient. Every last one of them is sentient!’

3. Scott Bakula Jumps Into McCain’s Body Just Before Election

Witnesses said they first detected a difference in McCain’s demeanor yesterday, when he paused suddenly in the middle of a speech about Obama’s tax policies, shook his head and demanded to know what year it was. Others were reportedly confused when McCain abruptly left the stage to find a mirror and softly touched his face while whispering to himself, ‘Oh, boy. Who am I this time?’

2. Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

‘The time for change is now,’ said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change… ‘I’ve already seen this guy four times today,’ Chicago-area ad salesman Blake Gordon said. ‘Every time, it’s the same exact spiel. “I need change.” “I want change.” Why’s he so eager for all this change? What’s he going to do with it, anyway?’

1. McCain Blasts Obama As Out Of Touch In Burma-Shave-Style Billboard Campaign

Barack is Sipping / Fine Champagne / While U.S. Jobs / Go Down the Drain / McCain ’08


~ by ohkrapp on October 29, 2008.

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