The Onion Election Coverage 2008: Top 10
McCain Courts Youth Vote With Lengthy Speech On Forbearance, Morality
Bush then closed his speech by exhaling sharply, tightly closing his eyes, and massaging his temples. ‘I just—Christ, I just need a goddamn minute, you know?’ he said.
It is not known whether Kerry intends to use his new skills in a future presidential run. When reporters reached him for comment, he was being swept into the Atlantic Ocean by a 35 mph gust of wind.
Chappel has avoided personal anecdotes for the new speech, omitted any mention of ‘God’ or ‘this great nation,’ and cut several phrases that had the potential to draw the 72-year-old candidate’s mouth open in a horrifying display of teeth and gums.
‘I usually get excited when I see that I have one unread message,’ Obama said. ‘I think that maybe it’s something interesting or important, but then I see it’s another MoveOn e-mail and my heart just sinks. It’s like getting nothing.’
‘My, my, would you just look at this—all dressed up and no place to go,’ said Clinton, removing a ruby brooch from a small box… Clinton reportedly stood before his bedroom mirror, held the bodice to his torso, straightened his posture before extending a gloved hand outward and, in honeyed, lilting tones, repeated the line, ‘Oh, this old thing? Prime Minister Fukuda, you do go on.’
Judd Cressbeckler: ‘Washington’s drowning in snake oil salesmen, and I’m gonna run ’em out, dagnabbit!‘
‘And that is why we must all strive to make our own tomorrow together,’ Obama said to resounding applause before stopping abruptly, breaking into a cold sweat, and bringing his trembling hands to his blanched face. ‘Oh, God, no. They’re sentient. Every last one of them is sentient!’
Witnesses said they first detected a difference in McCain’s demeanor yesterday, when he paused suddenly in the middle of a speech about Obama’s tax policies, shook his head and demanded to know what year it was. Others were reportedly confused when McCain abruptly left the stage to find a mirror and softly touched his face while whispering to himself, ‘Oh, boy. Who am I this time?’
‘The time for change is now,’ said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change… ‘I’ve already seen this guy four times today,’ Chicago-area ad salesman Blake Gordon said. ‘Every time, it’s the same exact spiel. “I need change.” “I want change.” Why’s he so eager for all this change? What’s he going to do with it, anyway?’
Barack is Sipping / Fine Champagne / While U.S. Jobs / Go Down the Drain / McCain ’08